


As Sharp as a Two-Edged Sword

by Pthithia



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1981, Angst, Background Relationships, Engagement, F/M, First War with Voldemort, M/M, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 12:23:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15751593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pthithia/pseuds/Pthithia
Summary: "You should marry me."It's out before he knows he's said it, before he can think of anything more romantic to say. The moon illuminates the dust motes in the air, and the room is too quiet as Remus gently sets down his chipped mug.(In the middle of a war, couples eloping left and right, Remus and Sirius begin to question where their relationship is going and where they stand with each other. Takes place from spring to summer of 1981.)





	As Sharp as a Two-Edged Sword

**Author's Note:**

> "Tea should be as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a two-edged sword." - Lemony Snicket
> 
> Takes place from mid spring to late summer of 1981.

Remus hands Harry over to Lily, and she takes him with a smile. “Looks like it’s somebody’s bedtime,” she coos, carrying him into the darkened hallway behind her. Sirius watches from the little table in the kitchen, grinning when James follows her up the stairs.

Remus lets the smile fall from his face, sighing wearily. The sliver of a crescent moon shines outside, and he is exhausted from the last transformation. It’s quiet and dark at the Order's headquarters, and suspiciously empty.

“Sit,” Sirius says, gesturing to the empty chair across from him.

Remus does so, sighing again, this time in pain as his barely healed wounds pull at the skin of his abdomen. Sirius has been gone all week, and with no one to help him heal himself Remus has had to let them heal naturally. In fact, tonight is the first he’s actually sat and rested since Sirius went away to relocate the McKinnons to a new safe house.

“Tea?” Remus nods and rubs his forehead tiredly, watching as Sirius summons the kettle and a mug from across the kitchen. “How are you?” he asks while he pours.

“Tired. I haven’t slept well all week.” He rests his chin in his hand, reaching for the steaming mug that Sirius pushes across to him.

“Are you worried?”

“Always.”

“About what?”

“You.” Remus smiles in spite of himself. “But I should be used to that by now.”

“I missed you.” Sirius reaches across the table and takes Remus’ hand in his. He gives it a gentle squeeze and worries at his lower lip unconsciously.

Remus smiles but doesn’t answer, instead taking a sip of the tea. It’s just the way he likes it, with that natural bitterness and a hint of sugar.

Sirius looks up at the sound of movement in the dark hallway, and upon seeing nothing he turns his attention back to Remus. His blonde hair is streaked with grey already, and shaggy from running his hands through it too many times. The weak moonlight catches his hair at just the perfect angle that way, giving him a hazy halo around his head. Sirius grins openly, for what feels like the first time in weeks, as he takes in the familiar hideous brown jumper, two sizes too big, the wild blonde hair, the tired green eyes he loves so dearly.

"You should marry me."

It's out before he knows he's said it, before he can think of anything more romantic to say. The moon illuminates the dust motes in the air, and the room is too quiet as Remus gently sets down his chipped mug.

It's not out of the blue. They've been going together since seventh year, living together straight out of Hogwarts in that dingy, tiny flat that Remus fell in love with, on the outskirts of Muggle London. Really, they're out of the ordinary. With the war going on, couples had been eloping left and right, marrying as quickly as possible, living each day as if it were the last.

Remus feels himself smile, watching Sirius struggle to look completely at ease across the table and fail quite miserably.

"Alright."

Sirius' face lights up. "Really?"

"Really.”

“Excellent.”

They sit in an almost awkward silence then, in the dark and quiet, until suddenly another voice breaks out behind them.

“Are you  _kidding_ me?”

Remus and Sirius jump, and turn to see James standing squarely in the doorway, Lily half obscured behind him with a giant grin on her face.

“What?” Remus asks, alarmed, half expecting the Death Eaters to be descending on the house.

James’ jaw drops. “ _Honestly??_  Kiss him or something, my god!!”

Lily laughs, loud, bright peals of laughter that make Remus blush slightly. He turns again to see Sirius grinning bashfully at him, before he stands and leans over the table to capture Remus’ lips in a kiss. Behind them, Lily laughs again, and James shouts in happiness, and Harry sleeps away peacefully upstairs, and for the first time in what feels like years, everything seems good in the world.

*

It’s a week later before it’s brought up again. They’d only let a few people know about their engagement, not sure exactly who they could trust, but it’s not exactly like nobody knew they were together before.

“I got you something today, Moony,” Sirius calls from the bathroom, where he’s just finished brushing his teeth.

Remus is lying in bed already, and glances up from his book when Sirius enters the room in his faded red and gold pajama bottoms. “Oh? What’s that?”

Sirius grins at him. “Wait there, I’ll go get it.”

He disappears down the hallway, and Remus marks his page before setting the book on the side table. Dumbledore has left them on radio silence ever since Sirius got back from his last assignment, and Remus can’t help but feel it’s for a reason. It’s been a quiet week, just the two of them in their little apartment, and even in such close proximity it still feels like Sirius and he are miles apart, banned from talking about their own assignments, even with each other, and with little else on their minds there hasn’t been much else to do.

Sirius comes back into the room a few minutes later holding something behind his back. “Close your eyes.”

Remus eyes him suspiciously, but does as he asks. In a few seconds, he feels the mattress dip next to him as Sirius climbs on the bed, and then a gentle hand resting on his forearm. “Okay, open them.”

When he does, he looks down at Sirius’ other outstretched hand to see a small black box. Remus instantly smiles and lets out a soft laugh, taking it from him and opening it.

“I couldn’t do much, trying to stay under the radar, you know. Had to buy it at a muggle shop and everything,” Sirius says, watching anxiously as Remus pulls the gold band from the box. It shines brightly in the light from the lamp on the bedside table.

Remus looks away from the ring, and up at his fiancé, smiling. “It’s perfect,” he says, slipping it onto the proper finger. “But now you don’t have one.”

Relief passes over Sirius’ face. “Well, actually, I got one for myself, too, but I wanted to wait until you had yours.” He turns to his bedside table and pulls a matching gold band from the drawer, facing Remus again with a grin as he puts it on. “There. Now we match.”

Remus pulls him in for a kiss, smiling against his lips and whispering a soft “Thank you.”

It’s been months since either of them have had the energy, desire, or time to do anything more than a weary kiss as they crawl into bed, and Sirius seems to be taking no chances this time as he takes hold of Remus’ shoulders and pulls him in closer, a gentle moan escaping his throat. Remus sighs into the kiss, allowing it to wash over him as Sirius pushes him down into the mattress and tugs at his shirt.

After, Sirius rests his head on Remus’ chest, sighing in contentment. Remus runs a hand through Sirius’ black curls and smiles down at him, and the matching gold bands still shining in the lamplight.

“I’ve been thinking,” Remus murmurs, tracing swirling patterns into Sirius’ upper back.

“Mmm?” Sirius hummed, before yawning into his chest.

“I don’t want to marry you just yet.”

There's a beat of silence before Sirius pushes himself up to look Remus straight in the eye. “What?”

“I think we should wait. Until after… all of this is over.”

“You mean the war?”

“Yes.”

There is something strange in Sirius’ eyes, an uncertainty and almost…  _fear._  “Why?”

Remus sighs and runs a consoling hand across Sirius’ shoulders. “I want a real wedding. And…” He pauses, trying to decide exactly what he wants to say. “I want to make sure we’re doing this for the right reasons, you know? So many people are just eloping left and right, because they’re scared they’ll get killed and- I don’t want that.” Sirius says nothing. “I know I can’t tell you exactly what I’ve been doing for Dumbledore, but- just know that it will be better for us after.”

Sirius looks away, as if he’s thinking, and when he glances back, his face is perfectly neutral. “Alright,” he says evenly. “If that’s what you want.”

Before Remus can answer, Sirius pushes himself off his fiancé and slides to his side of the bed. “Look, we should get to sleep. I might have to do something for Dumbledore tomorrow, okay?”

Remus props himself up on his elbows, frowning at the sudden change of atmosphere in the room. “Yes, of course. Are you alright?”

“Yes. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” Remus turns the lamp off. The darkness and silence are oppressive and heavy. “I love you,” he says softly.

And on the other side of the bed, Sirius curls into a ball and thinks that it  _can’t can’t can’t possibly_   _be Remus._

*

Sirius watches him differently now. Remus notices. During their time at Hogwarts, it was always a fond expression, or a sheepish one if Sirius had done something Remus might find deplorable. It was always childish, teasing, loving. Carefree.

Now, Sirius watches him from the corner of his eye whenever he receives a letter from the Order. When Remus leaves each month to spend the night underground with the Death Eater’s werewolves, Sirius no longer asks where he is going, no longer begs Remus to break his promise and tell him what Dumbledore has him doing.

Sirius no longer waits up till morning for him to come back, either.

Remus isn’t stupid. Either Sirius suspects he is the spy, or Sirius himself is the spy, and both thoughts are so horrifying Remus decides to ignore them both, pushing away the dread in his stomach and pretending everything is fine.

After a while, Remus notices that he, too, has begun watching Sirius just a little closer. At meetings, he observes the way Sirius lingers away from the main group, listening and rarely speaking. His assignments from the Order become more frequent, and longer, and Remus begins to wonder what on earth Dumbledore could have him doing.

Eventually, Remus stops asking.

The ring on his left hand feels conspicuous now, bright and heavy, and he is constantly slipping it on and off, trying to get used to the feeling. It doesn’t help. And if Sirius notices, he never says a word.

*

An emergency meeting is called by Dumbledore himself. Sirius has been out on his own for almost two weeks now, trying to trace the location of a Death Eater that Remus has not been allowed to know the name of. So Remus shows up to the safehouse serving as their temporary headquarters alone, and he isn’t really surprised when the conversation dies down a bit around him.

He is surprised, however, when Sirius rushes into the meeting halfway through Dumbledore’s briefing. He rushes up and mutters a few words to Albus, who nods tersely before pulling Mad-Eye to the side, speaking in rushed whispers. Meanwhile, Sirius rushes back and grabs Remus by the arm, hauling him out of the room into the deserted corridor outside.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Remus demands, suspicion and dread gone and replaced with concern.

Sirius grabs him by the shoulders, staring up at him intensely. “Can you be ready to get married by the end of the week?”

Remus stares at him in shock. “What?”

“We need to be married by the end of the week, can you have everything ready by then?”

“Why? What’s happened?” Remus insists, taking a step back from Sirius. “What do you know?”

Sirius runs a ran through his hair, and in that moment he looks nearly ten years older, standing in the dark hallway with deep shadows under his eyes. “I- I can’t tell you, Remus, just-” He sighs deeply. “It’s really important that we’re married as soon as possible. I know you wanted to wait, but- it has to be now.”

In the ensuing silence, Remus can hear Sirius’ quick, shallow breathing, as if he’s just run a very long time to get there, and then he hears his own voice say, “Alright.”

Sirius’ face lights up, not in happiness, but more surprise. “Really? You will??”

Remus nods, feeling weak. “If it needs to be now, then of course.” He swallows. “I- I trust you,” he adds, voice faltering.

Sirius lets out a sudden shout of joy and seizes Remus around the waist, nearly lifting the tall, lanky man off the ground in delight. “Yes! Oh, Merlin, I love you!”

Remus laughs out loud, like he hasn’t done in years, as Sirius spins them around in a circle, and suddenly he feels sixteen again, full of life and happiness, not plagued by the horrors of war or fear of betrayal.

“I love you too,” he says when Sirius finally releases him, a huge grin threatening to split his face.

“How does Thursday sound? We can do it at the Longbottom’s safehouse then,” Sirius continues, arms still wrapped around him.

The dread returns to Remus’ stomach, as quickly as it had gone. Of course. Because he wasn’t to be trusted with the location of James and Lily’s safehouse. He knows Sirius would never have chosen another place unless…

Unless he felt there was some kind of danger.

Remus pauses, before summoning a smile and nodding. “Yes. That’s fine.”

Sirius’ grin softens into a genuine smile. “I do love you. You know that, right?”

“I do. And I love you.”

For a moment they stand in silence, and everything they each seem to be thinking about the other but don’t have the courage to say is suddenly between them, dense and heavy like a wall. Sirius’ smile fades completely.

Instead of speaking, he tugs Remus down for a quick kiss before muttering, “I have to leave again. Tonight. But I’ll be back by Thursday.”

“Okay,” Remus whispers, unable to do anything but agree. “Okay.”

*

It’s a quick ceremony. Ten minutes at the most. Frank and Augusta Longbottom watch on, a small bundle of blankets cooing between them as Alice officiates, smiling tightly. Afterwards, they thank and hug the tiny family that so rarely receives visitors before leaving the safety of the house and Fidelius Charm in order to Apparate back to their own flat.

There isn’t even much of a wedding night, for as soon as they collapse into bed together an owl is frantically tapping at the window with a letter for Sirius requesting immediate backup. Sirius refuses to say exactly what for, only that it has to do with Peter, and before long he’s dressed and Apparated into the night.

Remus sits in isolation that whole night and the next day. No news or letters arrive, and he feels incredibly ill when he remembers that tonight is a full moon, and he must descend into the underground network of murderers and monsters in a mostly fruitless effort to gain new information. Remus is so tired.

*

Remus stumbles into an empty apartment the next morning, trailing blood behind him from that night’s fresh wounds. It’s raining outside, heavily, and Remus thinks that this is some way to spend his honeymoon, hunting down bandages and warm water to clean himself up a bit. He’s awful at performing healing spells on himself, and with Sirius gone he’d rather not take any chances, instead choosing to mop up the blood from his body and bandage the worst of the wounds, not entirely self-inflicted.

He makes himself tea and limps into the bedroom, feeling a few tears roll down his cheeks as he grits his teeth and maneuvers his body onto the bed, pulling at the gashes on the side of his abdomen and resting on his bruised back. This has been one of his worst transformations, since before James and Sirius and Peter became Animagi.

He contemplates picking a new book from off his nightstand, but even turning his head to see them has his body screaming in pain.

Remus rests back on his back, closes his eyes, and lets the tears fall for real, wishing that Sirius was there to kiss him and hold him close like he used to before their world was ripped apart by war and fear. He wishes that this would all be over already.

The tears are drying, tight and uncomfortable on his scarred face, when the image of Sirius' face the other night, unbidden, crosses his mind. He'd just asked Remus to marry him that week, to trust him, to believe in him. Remus knew Sirius was an expert at that sort of thing, that face of an innocent angel working its way out just when he needed it. Remus had been victim to it himself many times before.

But it had been different. Sirius' handsome face wary, his eyes cloudy. He'd been asking Remus to blindly trust him, to follow him, and Remus had been fool enough to do so, even with that look on his face.

Sirius doesn't show up that night, and in fact won't show up for another four days, still as reticent and cautious as before. Remus falls into a fitful sleep that night, half wondering where Sirius is and half dreading the answer. He isn't sure he wants to know. He hardly knows himself anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been bouncing around in my drafts for over a year now and was supposed to be a lot longer before I got lazy. I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
